A New Start/Unwanted Answers
I made it to California. Three days in the car, but I made it and in one piece.
The night we got here, my best friend, her boyfriend, my dad and I went out to celebrate. After too many drinks, my best friend and I ended up in the bathroom drunkenly gushing and discussing some of the things we have been going through the past few months. Neither of us are very emotional people, so this was a rare moment.
My best friend and her boyfriend were at my house the night my boyfriend died. In fact, they, along with two other friends, were sleeping in my room, right across the hall from my boyfriend’s. When I woke up in the morning, my friend Andie was the first to come in after hearing my screams. As soon as she did, she called 911 and I ran upstairs to get my boyfriend’s best friend. I told his friend Josh what had happened and he booked it for the room. I was at the top of the stairs when I heard him cry out with the most gut wrenching, “No!” and I knew that he was gone. My best friend was quickly by my side, but I never knew what exactly her and my other friends had seen because I never went back down those stairs. I got those answers last Friday; they saw everything.
It breaks my heart they had to see that, and I never wanted to ask because I was always afraid to hear the answer. I knew the terror and panic that pulsed through my veins when I found his lifeless body and I now knew they carried that terror and panic in their hearts and minds forever as well. I cried and apologized, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I’m just so sorry they had to see that. I shouldn’t have to apologize.
My best friend lived a little over an hour away from me for the last five years, so we didn’t get to see each other very often. She had only met my boyfriend a few times before he passed and she never got to know him really well. Friday night she hit me with a question I had thought about, but no one had ever voiced.
“How can you miss someone who did that?”
It cut right to my heart. She’s right in the logical sense. What he did was the biggest slap in the face to me, so disrespectful, so lacking in love, and so incredibly selfish. But at the same time, I still love him more than I could ever explain. I forgive him. We are all humans and make mistakes, but we can’t be known by our errs forever.
The man that made that decision is not the man I miss. I miss my partner in crime, my sober rides home from late nights at work, my confidante, my smile on a bad day, my other half, my everything. He was the biggest softy I have ever met. He adored me more than anyone ever has. That’s who I miss. That’s who I’ll always miss.