Approaching five months
This past week has been hard for me. I’ve been thinking about my boyfriend more than usual and I don’t know why. After almost five months, I miss him just as much as I did the day after he died, if not more. I close my eyes to sleep at night and all I see is his face, hear his voice, feel his touch. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because I can’t get those thoughts out of my head. I’m terrified one day I’ll lose it and snap, just like he did. My dreams are so realistic that I have a hard time deciphering what’s real and what’s imaginary. It really is scary.
I wonder if he can hear me when I yell at him, or if he can see me on nights like tonight as I sit on my couch and sob. I wonder where he is and what happens to people when they die. I wonder what went through his head as he sat there and slowly died next to me. I wonder how people can do that to those that they love.
That’s why I think something snapped in him. People in the right state of mind don’t kill themselves out of the blue for no good reason, and that’s what makes this all so scary for me. If the person I thought I knew the best in this world could pull a 180, who’s to say it won’t happen again? Or even to me? I trust my brain less and less these days. The line between what’s real and what isn’t is so easily blurred.