Bottling it up
I unpacked some more today. When I opened my Space Bags with my boyfriend’s pillows in them, I tried so hard to not smell them because I knew how difficult it would be for me. Of course, I couldn’t resist.
I held the pillow to my face and took two deep breaths before the tears flowed. You may think I’m crazy, but I clutched that pillow so close to my face that I was kissing it. My fingers dug into the fabric like I was holding on for dear life as I sobbed and swayed and kissed the pillow. It’s the closest thing I have to hugging him. After a few seconds I fell to the floor and cried harder than I’ve cried in a while.
On my knees face down into the pillow I sat and sobbed. Not just a light cry, but a shoulders heaving sob. After five months I still miss him so much. I miss his hugs, I miss his laugh, I miss the way he would wrap his big arms around me and make me feel so safe. I miss his kisses, I miss holding his hand in the car, I miss waking up next to him, I miss drinking wine and watching movies. Most of all I miss his warmth, the warmth that emanated from him and the warmth he put inside of me. I miss him.