I’ve gotten to the point where I’m angry. Extremely angry. I find myself screaming at him. How could he leave me with this? I was sleeping right next to him. He knew I would find him, but in that moment the most giving man I have ever known was so far gone that he became the most selfish. To trust someone so completely and then be betrayed in such an extreme way has really left me fucked up. I trusted him more than anybody else in the world and he left me high and dry.
I thought I knew him. He knew me in and out. He could shop for me because he knew what clothes I’d like. He could order food for me because he knew what I ate. But even more than this he knew how I thought, how I felt. He could read me like an open book just laid out for him. That was so rare for me. He knew what I was thinking before I said it. I thought it was the same for me. I thought I knew him in that way, so when I found him that morning, my world was shattered in more ways than one.
Everything I thought I knew was thrown out the window. Now I question if I really knew him at all. I question the legitimacy of our relationship. I question how honest he had been with me. And just having these thoughts makes me angry. I’m so incredibly angry.
Part of me feels like I’ve just given up. I feel like I have no purpose right now. That I’m just wandering, getting by day to day. My long term plans are pretty nonexistent, and I had my entire life figured out before this. I have no desire to change that though. Not right now anyway. I’m happy working too little, going out too much and just living. I start to worry that I’ll be in this rut forever, but I know I won’t be. I cant be a cocktail server forever, nor do i want to be. I need to find my something else, but I need to find myself first.