Going home.

by misglitter

When I lost my boyfriend, I thought I lost everything. He was my life, my future, my world. The few months after his death were such a whirlwind, and I was still so in shock. After having to deal with all the bullshit with his family, I needed to get away. Moving to Los Angeles was definitely what I needed … at the time. Now five months later, I’m ready to be surrounded by the people I love and the people who love me.

Shortly after my boyfriend’s death, a friend’s mother told me she heard it “takes about seven months.” What she meant, I wasn’t a hundred percent sure of … to “get over it”? … to move on? I really wasn’t clear. When the seven month mark hit though, I fully got it. It took seven months for it to sink in, for me to get over the initial shock. I started to realize the permanence of what had happened and that detachment I had obviously been feeling before fell away with a gush of waterworks behind it. I had been walking around for months in a strange fog and the veil had lifted.

I needed to be surrounded by family and friends, and I was thousands of miles away. Me, being the strong-headed and independent person I am, thought I could do it. After going home to visit though, I realized I hadn’t lost everything. I still have my incredible family and friends, the ones who fill my heart, embrace me when I need it and let me breathe when I need space. They keep me busy, keep me happy and keep me going. If things here were easier, I would stick it out and give it a year. But things aren’t easy here. I’m not making enough money to even pay my rent, let alone enjoy my time here. I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs, only to hear back from strip clubs looking for “cocktail servers”. Everything I need is waiting for me back in the Midwest … I have a job where I’ll make three times as much money as I do now, a place to live rent free and my giant support system. I won’t be home, but it’ll be close enough to where I can see my family and friends more often and heal with those who love me.

Who knows what the next few months will hold for me, but I need to take care of me right now and do what makes me happy. I think I deserve that much.