Time goes by so quickly
I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I’ve written one of these. My life has been a complete blur since I’ve moved back, and it’s been refreshing being busy all the time. Too much idle time led to sad moments.
As the one year mark draws closer, my heart hurts more and more. I notice I remember things less clearly, and it makes me so sad. I’m starting to forget what his hugs felt like. Just the thought of this makes me cry. I don’t want to lose him forever, but my memories are all I have. Damn you memory! Why can’t you be more like an elephant’s than an ant’s?
My first month back in Michigan was harder than I thought it’d be. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably almost every night. Now that I’ve gotten more into the swing of things and have been working all the time, I’ve been too busy to dwell on past events. Don’t get me wrong, they’re in my head every damn day, I just don’t find myself mulling them over and over for hours on end.
The one memory that strangely has gotten more vivid though is the morning I woke up to find him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t ever wish that on anyone. ANYONE. I think because the good memories I have of him are fading, I’m recalling the bad more and more. That’s the one memory I know will never leave me, and subconsciously I want to hold on to it. I’d give anything to have those images out of my mind, but every time I close my eyes all I can see is his lifeless body next to the bed.
And it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even talk about him without choking up. The words used to free flow so easily for me, but I’m keeping more and more to myself, realizing each thought of him is more precious than the last, dare they stop altogether. I want to look at pictures and watch videos, but it still is too painful. I hope I don’t lose him forever, ever.