In one week it will have been a year since that horrible, horrible morning I woke up to find my boyfriend dead. One year since my world was flipped upside down. One year since I lost my lover, my best friend, my future. A lot of shit has happened in one year.
I thought after a year had gone by I’d be better adjusted, but I’m not. I still miss him so incredibly much, and I still compare every single guy I meet to him. I’ve tried dating, but I don’t think it’s in the cards quite yet. No one is him, and he’s all I want. I look at relationships very differently now. There’s no fire, no passion. It seems as if any relationship I have from here on out will be more for companionship than for a burning “I can’t live without you” desire.
This could change one day, if I meet the right person, but as long as I continue to yearn for my deceased boyfriend I know I won’t open my heart and mind completely to a new lover. And I’m not sure I want to. Even though I’m still crazy in love with my boyfriend I’m extremely mad at him for creating such a deeply rooted terror of losing someone again. By putting up my wall to others, they can’t get in to hurt me like he did.