It’s days like today that I am mad at him more than anything.
I hate the consequences his suicide had on me. It’s almost two years later and I find myself emotional, distrusting and insecure – none of the things I was before him. Trust issues? Meh. I wouldn’t say that. I believe the things I hear, I just know that words don’t have much weight. Never would I ever question the things he told me because I know how he felt, but in the end his actions had the greatest impact. More than “I love you”, more than the late night whispers, more than our adventures, more than everything.
I see myself self-destructing and it’s like watching a bad movie that I just can’t turn off. My wall continues to grow and I feel like I shrivel behind it. These days, the days where I’m mad at him, I want to curl up in a ball and block out the world. I’ve been keeping myself so occupied with other thoughts while the emotions build up that when the levee finally breaks, it’s quite a mess. I know I’m not easy to handle. I know I’m an emotional wreck. I just don’t know where to go from there. I can’t expect other people to help make me feel better. I know I have to do it on my own. But how? There’s no “How to find happiness after your boyfriend hangs himself next to you” pamphlet. My technique for dealing with emotionally difficult situations in the past has been to ignore the emotions till they’ve pretty much gone away.
That hasn’t really worked this time.
The most frustrating thing is that they come in waves. There are days when I feel like I’ve found my inner peace. That the tides have turned and the sun is shining again. And then there are the days I want to shut off the world. Days when I close my eyes and I keep replaying that morning over and over in my head.
I’ve said it a million times before, and I’ll continue to say it again and again – You don’t get over it. You just learn to adapt.