These feelings have no names.
It’s been almost three years, and there are times when I still have full breakdowns. Not because he’s gone, but because I don’t know how to handle my emotions. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve never been emotional, especially publicly. But when I get upset now, it’s hard to not completely lose my shit. It’s embarrassing, it’s frustrating and it’s ruining relationships with people. I don’t know where to go from here. Why are my emotions so out of control? Why do I have these feelings that I can’t even put names to? It’s not grief, nor sadness, nor anger. Maybe loneliness would be the closest thing to it, but even that seems off. How does one work through feelings that don’t exist in the English language?
I reached out to a psychologist today. It’s hard to admit that – to admit that I’m not in control enough to the point where I need help. I did intense therapy immediately after Bobby died, but once the full on grieving lessened, I thought that I could handle things from there. No one prepares you for the onslaught of residual pain and emotions that stay with you, only to surface months and years down the road. No one tells you how to cope with them. I so badly wanted to put everything that had happened behind me, but I’m not there yet. The more I push it out, the more it pushes back in. I have vivid nightmares, flashbacks, all of those common symptoms of the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder I was diagnosed as having years ago. And PTSD doesn’t magically go away. I found this website, HelpGuide.org, that does a really great job outlining what PTSD is, why it happens and how to help those with PTSD.
I can’t control every aspect of my life, but I can control how I choose to handle difficulties. I hope I make the right decisions, and I hope I have the strength to deal with the mistakes.